It has been almost four years since David’s been gone. I have to admit I feel a sense of pride at how much I have accomplished and how far I have come. I honestly spent most of my pre-David life being my worst critic, paralyzing myself from all God had in store for me. But through David’s love I am now THE cheerleader on Team Kathy, and I encourage myself to keep going so he will be proud. I even talk to myself (ALOT) and surprisingly most days I even listen to me!! I smile more, get out more, enjoy things more, life is getting much better-ish.

It is strange that I can remember almost every second of the details surrounding David's last day, but I can't remember much after that. It is kinda scary really because it is almost like I warped through some of it. I do not remember going to bed that night and I do not remember waking up the next morning in this prison of emotions. Actually I do not remember having any emotions at all, just blank. Like a zombie or a robot. I know it was a Monday and I remember making a few calls to let a few people know and that was all I could do. I ended up posting on Facebook later that day because I could not get those horrible words out one more time. And that is it, that is all I remember.

It has been a little while since I have posted because I have moved…again. This will be my last post about moving since I am now grounded from doing so: by my children, oldest grandchild and best friend. They wanted me to break up with my realtor, moving guys, and realtor.com. I negotiated them down to two out of three because I happen to adore my realtor and he has been a part of my life for a long time. But I bid farewell to the movers, told them I was sorry it had to end this way, and tried not to notice their odd expression through my sadness. You know, come to think of it, maybe we didn’t know each other all that well so it is probably for the best! lol

There are many times in my life that I have been saddened, but only three times have I been dropped to my knees in despair and pain. One of these is not my story to tell but two of them are. In each situation I honestly never thought I would smile again. Of course there is that forced smile I mastered that is more like trying to convince myself than someone else. There was that smile that would start and then flow over to tears that were brimming on the edge of my broken heart. Then there was the smile that basically said I don’t want to hear it but thanks. You know, that tight lipped smile that keeps words from coming out I might or might not regret!! Lol But not the smile that defines me, the one that makes my eyes dance and twinkle with happiness. That is the one I miss.

Happy New Year! I realize I am a couple of days late but I ALWAYS have the greatest intentions. You know, kind of like thinking I posted a few weeks ago to realizing it was October!! Arrrggghhh!! I really need to manage my time and thoughts better. But in my defense a lot has happened and a lot has changed, which is actually what led me to this post.

So here is our love story: David and I went to school together since sixth grade. We did not hang out much but had the same homeroom all the way through High School. So I saw him on a regular basis when he was there! We graduated, went our separate ways, found each other again in 2009, he moved across the U.S. to be with me, and we lived happily ever after until 2020. Sounds so easy, huh? As if…lol

We reconnected in 2008 on Classmates.com. We started talking and during one of our conversations he mentioned he was coming back to Texas. He was currently living in Oregon and the company he worked for was closing so he wanted to see his parents and kids while checking out the job market. I told him it would be great to see him and if he had time maybe we could have dinner and catch up on life. We planned dinner for the day after he arrived.

When I think of my love story I always smile a bit. Mostly on the inside, but it manages to spill out onto my face and make my eyes sparkle. Or that’s how it feels anyway. Like if you look deep enough into that sparkle you will see the light that shines for the greatest love I have ever found.

There is some back story to David and I finding each other. Or I should say finding each other again since we went to Jr. High and High School together. But we never dated, never really hung out, were pretty much acquaintances in different social circles that would occasionally collide into a good time. The odds of us ending up together was a unique situation of non-coincidence timing ( I don’t believe in coincidences) and a plan bigger than our own.

Nothing prepares us for losing our spouse or really anyone we love. We might have thought about that day and what we would say and do, or how we would act. But that is usually not how it happens, nothing like the Lifetime channel and Hallmark movies. There everything is perfectly timed, important conversations are had, telling the loved one it is okay to go while holding his or her hand as the time draws near, and quietly surviving the days ahead. Good luck with that!

In my vision of our Hallmark movie, David and I are approximately 90 years old. We have had a good life but both of us are weary and ready to go. We are holding hands and I have my head on his shoulder. We close our eyes and I don’t know who goes first, but we go at some point together. And we open our eyes in Heaven with no time or space separating us. Sigh...it is obvious now that I was meant to write Random Widowish Thoughts and not Hallmark movies. So much for the perfect timing aspect of our story.

I can’t remember what I wore yesterday, what I ate or how I felt but I can remember every detail of August 9, 2020 Well wait a minute, I can remember what I wore yesterday because it was western day and my only pair of cute boot jeans were WAY too tight because apparently I have gained lots of weight since Western Day last year. So I had to take the advice of my younger co-workers and use a hair tie to fasten my jeans so I could breathe but then when I walked my overhanging tummy bounced like jello and it drove me insane! Oh yeah, I ate a salad for lunch because apparently I have gained a lot of weight this last year. And I remember now how I felt: miserable because my pants were too tight and I couldn’t breathe so I ate salad for lunch!! Okay, it looks like yesterday wasn’t a good comparison so let me start again…

Have I mentioned summer is super hard for me? If you have read some of my previous posts you probably picked up on that: summer is hard on me. This summer in particular…

My last post was created on the morning of the third anniversary of David’s death. In my post I promised to write about that day at a later time. This is because the usual God nudge suggested that the story would come later…and it did.

If you read my last post you know that each year at approximately 5:30 (near the time of David’s death) I have had a revelation, rude awakening, and/or some sort of inner peace. Year one I realized this was my life now and it was hard, a huge reality check going forward, or backwards which is what happened at that point. I found myself in the fetal position full of fear and despair. Year two revealed that I would never have new pictures of David, another harsh reality check. But it also gave me David style comfort and peace when I saw the heart shaped cloud in the sky. It made me realize that I can do life without him whether I want to or not. I knew then God had plans for this tired mind and withered heart and I felt a little sense of hope. And on the third anniversary, He did not disappoint…

Today is the day David left this Earth and it is the close of year three. Every year has been a different set of emotions and this year has been particularly hard for so many reasons.

The end of the first year I went out of town to get away from house construction and other situations. I rented a small house on the river where David loved to kayak and wrote this:

A year without you

“A year and I finally feel like I can breathe again, even if just short breaths while treading water. I am not sure where to start, one minute you kiss me goodnight and the next day you’re gone.

Yesterday was my 60th birthday, and even though I have no prior knowledge of what 60 is supposed to feel like, it’s not much different than the last day of 59! Same mindset, same routine, same aches and pains (maybe a few new ones) same everything except without David. The number 60 does not bother me in the least, but NOT turning 60 with David has set me back into my summer funk.

I think anyone that survives loss finds something to feel guilty about or wish they had done differently. I wish we had taken that vacation, what if I had checked on them sooner, why didn’t we eat the dessert? For me it was Widowish Eve, the night before David died.

Most of the people that I share my story with find it shocking that David was “fine” leading up to his death. He passed away on a Sunday and the Friday before he was still working when he could. I think that is why it was such a surprise to everyone, one minute he seemed fine the next he’s gone.

I received a lot of positive feedback on my last post so I would like to think it confirms I’m not crazy. But even though this post is meant to lighten the mood, here I am again swimming in thoughts that make me wonder…

Cremation is an interesting thing. You honor your loved ones wishes and have them cremated. Then what? If they have ideas for their ashes, you fulfill them. Spread my ashes at Mt. Hood, a little in Port A, maybe San Fran where we spent our summers? But not if you’re me, David’s ashes are still sitting on the dresser. So then I was left with, what now? Maybe cremation is just too many emotions for me. Yes, I know I tend to overthink things but I never dreamed of having my husband’s ashes sit on my dresser, in a box, trying to figure out what to do next. At first I had all these plans: honor his wishes, plant a tree and mix the ashes in, etc. etc. etc. But guess what? His ashes are still here, sitting in the same box.

In my previous post I mentioned this horrible week in July and the in between blessings. But one of these will turn into a miracle that even I sometimes cannot believe happened. It goes something like this:

I have always believed that there is a blessing in almost every situation. This is a debatable statement for people that do not understand where or how to find the blessing, but that is my belief and I have never faltered. If you have been following my story you know the love David and I had was amazing and his death was tragic for me. So where are those blessings I speak of so often?

You can’t be gone
I can still feel your presence
Your whisper in my ear “I love you”
The kisses goodnight.

At some point in grief, people will seek help. It might be a friend that has a similar experience, a widow/widower group, church programs, grief counseling, books, ANYTHING to try and make sense of the chaos and get a grip on reality. It might be immediate or it might take years but it is inevitable in the process of grief.

I am a widow. There, I said it. I have had many different names, titles and labels over the years but this is really the only one that I despise. I never envisioned being a widow at 57 and if I’m being honest I really do not know what to do with that. Most days I cannot process it, I cannot deal with it and honestly I really just want my great life back. But apparently that is not going to happen because I have been waiting for 2 ½ years for him to come back and here I sit writing about it instead.