Waking up Widowish
**I found this while organizing my writing this summer. A little out of order but, well so am I...lol I hope I haven't posted already!
It is strange that I can remember almost every second of the details surrounding David's last day, but I can't remember much after that. It is kinda scary really because it is almost like I warped through some of it. I do not remember going to bed that night and I do not remember waking up the next morning in this prison of emotions. Actually I do not remember having any emotions at all, just blank. Like a zombie or a robot. I know it was a Monday and I remember making a few calls to let a few people know and that was all I could do. I ended up posting on Facebook later that day because I could not get those horrible words out one more time. And that is it, that is all I remember.
I am a strong woman and I have overcome a lot of adversity and pain in my life. But this rocked me to my core and I felt my heart had been ripped out of my chest. In the next few days I would silently ask David "where are you?" "when are you coming home?" "Why did you leave me?" and lay a guilt trip on him "I need you, I can't do this without you." over and over and over. It was real and surreal all at the same time so I finally told my brain "he is traveling." I know this may sound odd to a non-grieving person but it helped me cope and it was a familiar routine. David traveled a lot and so this made it easier to focus on remembering to breathe, eat, make arrangements and pretend I was doing okay. It helped me to be able to write an obituary and plan a gathering (memorial, funeral, celebration of life, whatever I don't really know). It helped me to make the usual decisions I had to make while he was gone and get a little sleep. And then he would text “landed” and be on his way home...
But he did not come home, he would never come home. I just couldn't accept it and some days I still feel like I haven't. He is such a part of everything I am that he can't possibly REALLY be gone. So after a few weeks, with no experience in grieving I decided to try something else, I was going to start messing with things he did not like me messing with. In my mind, I knew he would be mad when he got home, but he would be home. Yes, it’s crazy and there is no rationale but there I went finding things to do to make him come back to me, happy or not!
The first thing I did was cancel all 10.000 Direct TV channels that we never watched but had to have in case something ever came on that we wanted to watch. Those that know me know I really do not like to spend money unnecessarily so this was one of my pet peeves. I am sure David watched these channels when I wasn’t around but I NEVER watched them so it seemed like a good first step to bring him home. So I called and canceled everything but basic Direct TV and DVR (ok let’s face it, that is NOT an unnecessary expense!). I hung up the phone and felt slightly vindicated that I was being so clever and when he called I would tell him….but he didn’t call.
The next thing I did was clean up his closet. Side note: Our relationship was amazing on so many levels but every couple has their things they must overlook in the name of love. I never asked David what mine were but I could only imagine it was that I was opinionated, sang at the top of my lungs songs that were not Heavy Metal, did not like to cook, griped about 10.000 Direct TV channels and probably he would add that I nagged him about his closet and his sacred office space. My list was short and sweetish: David did not see the importance of an organized, non-chaotic environment. His closet was an OCD person’s nightmare! So I pulled out everything that was on the floor that could not find its way to a hanger, all 200 pairs of shoes (the man loved shoes) and all the hangers that could not find their way to the wooden clothes racks. I was exhausted but happy that I messed everything up in such an amazing system of color coordination, reuniting shoes with their partner after years of separation and watching hangers happily swaying in the breeze of the closet door opening and closing. I sort of waited for him to call that night because reality was seeping in and I had my doubts but my heart held out for that call. My head won and the call never came so my heart was sadder than before.
The last thing was the biggie, if this didn’t do it nothing would. I was going to tackle his office. I would have to post pictures to get the full effect because there are no words to describe this office but I do not think I have any. I actually walked in there several times and walked out because this was WAY worse than the other devious things I had done. In my foggy brain I told myself he might actually come back and then turn around and leave me for good because I am so mean. But finally I had to return the items that belonged to his company so I picked that day to carry out my evil plan.I started at the door and did not get far because I kept looking for him at his desk, willing him to be there. I stared at his chair and the pile of everything on his desk and tried my hardest to see him in his chair. But I couldn’t and he wasn’t and I just sat in the pile of papers and boxes on the floor and cried. This might be the first time I really cried since the hospital but I needed him right then and he wasn’t coming back. I did eventually clean up that office in one last attempt to bring him back. Well, we know how that went.
I am happy to report that I can read this and it sounds crazy now but it helped me cope with things that are beyond capability. And it made sense at a time when nothing made sense. It gave me a feeling of control in this world where I had no control over anything. It made me feel close to him because in my heart. I knew he would have only been mad a little while and probably at some point found some humor in it because I loved and missed him so much.
In hindsight I should have done things differently. I should have just cooked, one time would have done it. I never cooked so this would have peaked his interest. Maybe he would have smelled the delicious ribeye steaks all the way in Heaven and come back to see how far I would go with this dramatic effect. In the hot five minutes I was retired (a whole other interesting point in our marriage) I surprised him once and cooked sliders from a recipe on the internet. They weren’t bad but all I could think of was the amount of time it took to order sliders versus slaving over a hot oven and I could be doing something more important!!
Hmmm….we are approaching the three year mark, maybe I will spend that evening grilling Ribeyes. This time though I will be thinking a lot cleared, I know the only people that will show up are the Fire Department!!
