Emerging

It has been a little while since I have posted because I have moved…again. This will be my last post about moving since I am now grounded from doing so: by my children, oldest grandchild and best friend. They wanted me to break up with my realtor, moving guys, and realtor.com. I negotiated them down to two out of three because I happen to adore my realtor and he has been a part of my life for a long time. But I bid farewell to the movers, told them I was sorry it had to end this way, and tried not to notice their odd expression through my sadness. You know, come to think of it, maybe we didn’t know each other all that well so it is probably for the best! lol

So why another move? I honestly asked myself the same thing several times. Wide awake from a dead sleep only to question myself and God. I have known since last summer I had to get out of that house but I did not understand why. I was worried once again I was running from something that wasn’t even chasing me. I worried that my indecisiveness was a sign that I will never find my place or purpose. I was worried that I would make a mistake and want my safe haven back. But it was all an illusion of the push/pull lifestyle I had become accustomed to. Pulling memories into reality then pushing them back where it felt safe and sane. Pushing God’s plan away by pulling at everything that gave me false security. And those four walls were the biggest pull of all. Holding on to something that really wasn’t there after all.

A little recap for those that are new or have trouble “swimming in Jello” with me. Lol When David died we were in the middle of a MAJOR remodel and I was now in charge of it. I made some great decisions financially about the house, but not so great decisions about some of the people I trusted to help. I no longer felt comfortable or safe in my home so I made the excuse I could not handle living in the chaos of remodel anymore and got an apartment- Move #1. This was a good move for me as I was able to put some distance between what was and what was to become. I thought it would help me to process and let go of things, and it did to some extent. But there was no processing involved, instead it was that widow fog that kept me going and allowed me to part with things I no longer needed. The apartment put some distance between me and the unhealthy things in my life and allowed me to think clearly. And I knew it was only for a year, I could do anything for a year!!

My daughter was getting married and needed a larger house so I jumped at the chance to buy her little house for so many more reasonings. I am calling them reasonings and not reasons because that is what my head and heart were doing again: trying to reason what was not really rational. You see, David, Mandi, Kennadi (yes, we had a one year old supervisor!) and myself took that ugly HUD home, tore it apart, put it together with blood, sweat and love and made it a home for our girls. Everything about it was just as much David as the memories we made there with our beautiful granddaughter. In my mind it was the next best thing to not having our house but being surrounded by him in this house instead. So I bought it and made it my own. I redid the kitchen, floors, pretty much everything except the master bath. I can still see Kennadi helping her GranDavid tile it and I couldn’t let that go. So here it was: move #2.

But as much as I love David, and I love my granddaughter and daughter, that house suffocated me. This part is going to be hard for some people to understand: how can I say I love and miss David so much but yet his memory was smothering me to where I couldn’t breathe? How can I mourn him so hard and feel like running from the very thing I fight to hold on to? Welcome to grief, the push/pull of my existence. I think the best way to describe it is I am at a point of needing to get on with some aspects of my life, and I cannot reach out for what is meant to be unless I let go of what was. I realized he lives in my heart, in my mind, is my soul. But he is no longer part of my daily interaction, my future. That has to be something else now, and as long as I was surrounded by the things holding me back it would never change. And of all the push/pull going on, I could feel him nudging me away from a home that had lots of memories, but no future. I had to let go…move #3.

I started thinking of all the things I had to give up to move to that house and hold on to David’s memory so tightly. The list included: family get-togethers at my house, having out of town friends and family come to visit, breathing, living, the list goes on and on.

It all happened so fast and for that I am thankful. I contacted my realtor, Mike Owen, and told him what I was looking for and off we went. He showed me what I wanted and then a house he wanted me to have. Yes, I know he is a realtor and a salesman but he sometimes knows me better than I do! He showed me the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood at the not so perfect price!! But I overanalyzed it and decided I loved the house and if Mandi didn’t talk me off the ledge I would go for it!! She did not, nor did my son, best friend, or dad. It was meant to be. And Mike made it happen for me in ways no one else could have. For that I am forever grateful to this adopted son of mine 🙂 I love him more than he will ever know (not because of the house, just because).

After signing the contract, Satan stepped in like he always does and woke me up doubting myself with things like “you can’t afford that payment” “you don’t need a house that big” “do you know what your utilities cost?” ‘taxes are outrageous ""you will have to hire people to help” and more things I don’t remember. I counted the minutes until the time passed that I could back out of the contract. After a few delays, I was going to call this house my home. And for the first time in a long time I was excited about something! Now here is where God showed Satan who is in charge and to leave me alone…

I decided to purchase the new home before selling the other. This is due to the added stress of trying to time it all correctly and not having to move in a hurry. However, this also meant that I would be a little strapped for cash until I did. So in addition to all the reasons I stressed over buying, I was also stressed over selling. Not too bad but just enough to worry unnecessarily. I prayed to God to let me know if I had made a mistake, and nothing happened. I prayed that if this was not a good thing to make the contract fall through, and it didn't happen. I apologized for jumping into it and asked God to help me right this wrong, and nothing happened… until it did.

I seriously can’t make this stuff up. On the morning of January 25th I got an offer to sell the other house and signed a contract. On the afternoon of January 25th, the person that I mentioned in the beginning of this saga, you know the one that was supposed to be helping me with my house but wasn’t? Well, let’s just say he won’t be bothering, manipulating, controlling or attempting to con me again for a long time. I did not realize how much pent up emotion I had about both of these situations until I realized that God made this all happen and He was closing all the chapters in my life that were keeping me from living the life He created for me, from the ashes of all that was…all on the same day! I was at work when I got these bits of information and it hit me that this was confirmation to let go, embrace my new house, my new move and my new life, that it was all part of His plan. And thankfully it was my conference period and I was locked in my classroom, because it hit me hard: sobbing out loud, soul wrenching noises from the depth of all I was holding onto, and the release of fear that could no longer consume me. And let me add to this, at the very time I am trying to get a hold of myself, my co worker, Robin, knocks on the door (poor Robin, she’s never seen “Ms James” lose her stuff!). She doesn’t freak or leave but literally drops everything and runs to hug and hold me. And then she prays with me and over me. Not only did God give me confirmation about my move, He gave me the people to love me through it all.

I honestly thought it would be hard leaving that house for the last time. As I was finishing the cleaning I paused to look around to see if I had any regrets. And I did not. Instead I realized the symbolism of the house, I am a baby step person. I never jump in with both feet, always a steady testing of the water. Even in the swimming pool I will never dive in and hope for the best. It is one cold step at a time until the water is comfortable and does not take my breath away. This house was my baby step from the house I shared with David, to the house we created for our daughter and granddaughter, to the house of my own. At first I could see myself stepping into the pool of life one step at a time. But as I thought about what to write it occurred to me: I was not taking baby steps into the pool, instead I was taking steps out of the pool I was drowning in. The very thing holding me under until I could not breathe or survive. I was taking slow steps out of what was, what I think should have been, and into the arms of God to what will be. Am I scary excited and scary scared at the same time? You already know the answer to that.

I hope and pray that no matter what your situation, you can rely on God to release you from yourself, your thoughts and anything else keeping you from living the life you are called to live. And above all, if you can’t have the life you imagined or the life you had to give up I pray that you will give God a chance to show you He can give you a new life that won’t disappoint.