Smiling Among Sinners and Saints

There are many times in my life that I have been saddened, but only three times have I been dropped to my knees in despair and pain. One of these is not my story to tell but two of them are. In each situation I honestly never thought I would smile again. Of course there is that forced smile I mastered that is more like trying to convince myself than someone else. There was that smile that would start and then flow over to tears that were brimming on the edge of my broken heart. Then there was the smile that basically said I don’t want to hear it but thanks. You know, that tight lipped smile that keeps words from coming out I might or might not regret!! Lol But not the smile that defines me, the one that makes my eyes dance and twinkle with happiness. That is the one I miss.

My bible is a study bible and a historical journey through the good and bad things of my life. I highlight passages that speak to me and write what they are saying. I write prayers that are on my mind and I write messages to myself to read at a later date. I keep letters, cards and pictures in my bible along with small gifts and tokens. When the going gets tough I tend to read my bible more. Sometimes out of desperation and other times to understand the situation and find my way again. Every time this happens, I start by going through the things in my bible and reminiscing. These items mostly represent good times so it puts me in a better mindset to hear what God wants me to hear. I actually have two bibles now, mine and my mom’s. I received her bible shortly after her death because my dad knew I needed it, mainly because the print is bigger…lol but I do not write in it. If something speaks to me I use a sticky note instead. It is not a study bible and sometimes hard to understand, so I usually go back to my study bible for help. I do not put anything in her bible like I do mine….or so I thought. Stay with me for approximately 1200 more words and I will explain!!

2000 and 2001 were rough years back to back. January of 2000 I found myself divorced, in deep debt due to my ex and his spending, and no child support. I remember on the day of my divorce I prayed thanking God for seeing us through the trauma associated with my marriage and for the future. I remember praying that I know it’s going to be a great year! I was working two jobs but able to make ends meet while still getting the kids to all their events, teaching Sunday School and assisting with the youth group activities. My life was full and I really had a positive outlook about it all. We would survive, it was going to be a great year!! And it was a great year, until May 2000, and Destry…

Destry Michael Janusch, my first biological nephew!! Blonde haired, blue eyed bundle of all boy with the sweetest hugs and kisses. I was in love!! He was three years old in May 2000 and after running a fever that Memorial Day weekend he was taken to the emergency room. He was also having trouble walking straight so after much testing it was discovered Destry had medulloblastoma, brain cancer. This type of cancer isn’t necessarily fatal unless you are too young for treatment as was the case for Destry. We were told it would be short term and so every day was special. If you have read my previous posts you know I always look for the blessing in the storm. In this situation, God blessed Destry with one whole year instead of a few months. This meant one more of every holiday and one more birthday, experiencing snow for the first and last time, ball games, everything and anything that crossed someone’s mind. It taught me we should all live our lives like we lived that year, but that’s another post for another day. Oh wait, here is another blessing. I was scheduled to be a sponsor on the annual church youth trip and I loved these trips. However, I knew if I went there was a good chance I would not be there when Destry died, but I prayed and went anyway. God knew my heart and I knew that wouldn’t happen, even though our bus broke down and my return trip was delayed. I made it home in time.

The day Destry died was a Sunday and when I woke up God revealed to me that was the day. Our youth group was speaking about their youth trip experience that morning and I felt like I needed to be there, I would head to the hospital when I was done. And it was just what I needed to make it through that long day, hearing about all those mountain top experiences. But here is what sticks out about that day, the picture below. I was doing my best to get out of church and get to the hospital and I was stopped by a parent of one of my Sunday School students. They asked if I would take a photo with their son before he was promoted to the next class, so I did. This was my last real smile for a long time. My heart broke like never before around 10 pm that night, Destry took his last breath on Earth and woke up in the arms of Jesus. I knew I would never be the same.

Several weeks later, I was still going through the motions of existing and doing my best to make sense of this devastating loss. Numbness and grief consumed most of my days and I could not find a purpose much less happiness in anything I did. At church one Sunday, the parents of the child in the picture found me and gave it to me. All I could do was stare at my smile, and I realized how much I missed it. I live to smile, make others smile, just be happy. It was my first reminder from God that yes one day I could smile again, and of course I did. So I tucked it in my bible with all the other important things in my life to constantly remind me we will always smile again.

Now fast forward to 2020, smack dab in the middle of a Pandemic. I was teaching from home and trying to find fun and interesting things to stay in touch with my students. I learned how to create my “Avatar” character and had so much fun doing so. She was smart, pretty, skinny, everything I could pretend to me..lol After all, it was my fictional character I could do what I wanted!! I would have to say I went a little crazy with the idea and sent one to each student so they could “read with me”, send pictures while doing so and earn prizes. I had extras “Travel Kathys” so I put them everywhere that was important: David’s office, David’s planner, David’s computer. You get the picture, I used them to have fun with (irritate maybe) my husband. When I got the look from him I merely explained she was perfect, never nagged or complained, always smiling at his jokes, sitting intently listening to him explain things that were over her head while thinking, “Man, he’s hot!” , and always there waiting for him to impart this wisdom upon her. What more could he ask for? EXACTLY!! During his brief illness I would put one on his nightstand, in case he needed anything And when he passed away I put one in his coat pocket so I could travel with him. Don’t judge, pain and grief make you do strange things and I do not apologize for that.

So all of this background brings me to 2024 and the me I am trying to become. I think I mentioned I started a new bible study in my last post so I got out my mom’s bible because it was more accessible at the time. I opened her bible and realized there was something in there. And even though I never put anything in it, there I was smiling back at myself as seen in the other picture below. What? I honestly do not remember putting “Travel Kathy” in mom’s bible but there I was looking happy and excited. I was even waving at myself like “hey, here I am, remember me? Yes, I miss you too.” I must have used me as a bookmark, or maybe I was cleaning and shoved it in there, or God put me there. No matter how it happened, it happened for the second time in my life, my smiling face among the sinners and saints of the bible. The SECOND time God revealed to me that yes I would truly smile again. But does it end there? Nope, because as usual I could not understand the verbiage in my mom’s bible so I got out mine. And even with all of the cards, gifts, and pictures crammed in there, the one that fell out onto the counter: The smiling picture of me the day my nephew died. All I can say is Wow… Just Wow!

The way I felt before Destry died and the person I was before David died are gone forever. But not my smile, it has always been there waiting to shine. It just needs time to find its way back where it belongs. Of course I put the original picture back in my bible for another day. And I think I will leave “Travel Kathy” in my mom’s bible for no other reason but to make me smile about how much fun we had before times got dark and sad. I can see David smiling about it too.

Is your smile gone? I understand and I am praying for you. Praying that you find your new hope and purpose, praying you seek God for guidance, and praying your inner Avatar is smiling and waving at you. With the message: "Hey! I am still here, and I miss you too" 🙂