I Am A Widow
I am a widow. There, I said it. I have had many different names, titles and labels over the years but this is really the only one that I despise. I never envisioned being a widow at 57 and if I’m being honest I really do not know what to do with that. Most days I cannot process it, I cannot deal with it and honestly I really just want my great life back. But apparently that is not going to happen because I have been waiting for 2 ½ years for him to come back and here I sit writing about it instead.
I have always loved to write. There are so many things that float around in my head that it gets cloudy and jumbled and I can’t manage to get anything done until I clear it out. So I make lists of things taking up space in my brain and try to accomplish them. But as soon as I clear it out, other things start to fill it up again. If I was smart I would have spent my life journaling to keep my head clear. But then I realized I was too busy making lists so you see the cycle never ends!
Which is what brought me here: I have officially decided to write. I really have no idea what that means other than I can write and clear my head at the same time. And my new therapist thought it would be a great idea. There I said THAT too: I have a therapist.
I believe the name of my page is appropriate: Random Widowish Thoughts. Why? (Insert list)
1) Random because there will be no rhyme or reason, no order to the chaos, no typical writing rules followed. Pretty much whatever I want to write about.
2) Widowish: this is a great term to describe how I feel about my current status in life. Widows are supposed to be in their later years and not in the prime of their life, so I do not feel like what I perceive a widow should feel like. I am too young to be a widow. Vowel suffix -ish means like or somewhat and it is my favorite suffix. It is my favorite because it doesn’t really have to decide how it feels or what it is thinking. If you put -ish after words you are covered for every situation (what time will you be here? Sixish. How do you feel today? Goodish Did you manage to get up and put on a smile today? Yes-ish. See? Everyone is happy!!
3) Thoughts: this will be pretty much anything I want to share with you. It is a crazy world between my ears: colorful, opinionated and at maximum capacity. With questions like: Am I crazy for thinking these things? Is this normal for someone grieving? What will people think if they know how I am really feeling? Well guess what? I am going to find out the answer to ALL of these questions right here.
This page will be therapeutic for me but I also hope that maybe it will help someone else realize that grief is a beast and there is no actual textbook way of doing it. No time limit, no thought process, no rules, no fun. Grief is a process that maybe we can journey together.
Here are some things you can expect from my page (yes I am making another list, we already covered that I am a list maker!)
This will be a lot of raw emotions that I have dealt with over the last couple of years as well as other points in my life. The way we deal with life is a deep seeded response that I have learned partially controls my thoughts and actions.
I am a Christian and try to put my relationship with Jesus Christ above all else. I believe there is a plan for my life and I do not take that lightly. I have found blessings in this dark time in my life as well as questioned why me? Why us? Why the good one? I will talk about the blessings and how God and I have overcome non-blessings together. If this offends you, then maybe this page isn’t for you. If you do not understand how I can still love my Lord with every ounce of my being when he perceivably ripped away my heart, then stay tuned: this blog might just be what you are looking for
I use humor to deal with life even when it might not seem appropriate to you. Some of my humor really is funny and some of it is a little dark, but overall life is about finding joy and humor anywhere you can. Yes, I have found some humor in my journey and I hope you realize it is meant to make us smile, even for just a moment. God and humor are what get me through most days.
Lastly, I am not looking for sympathy, I am not looking for approval, I am not looking for your opinion. I know that may sound harsh but I am not seeking anything, just trying to clear my head and help others. Do not feel sorry for me: I had the love of a lifetime that most people can only dream of. Though it was short, it was great. That is nothing to be sorry about.
Yay me, I did it!! I wrote the first part of my page. I know it is long but 1/32 of my brain is clear now so that is a start. Thanks for joining this journey with me. But I must warn you to hold on tight, it is a roller coaster of a ride!
