Widowish Eve
I think anyone that survives loss finds something to feel guilty about or wish they had done differently. I wish we had taken that vacation, what if I had checked on them sooner, why didn’t we eat the dessert? For me it was Widowish Eve, the night before David died.
Most of the people that I share my story with find it shocking that David was “fine” leading up to his death. He passed away on a Sunday and the Friday before he was still working when he could. I think that is why it was such a surprise to everyone, one minute he seemed fine the next he’s gone.
The day before he died I remember David was tired but still himself. He was up watching TV, we sat on the back porch, he could eat whatever he wanted. He did nap a little more because he was being taken off of his steroids for his next treatment, but basically the day was uneventful.
When David was healthy, he kissed and tucked me in every night that he wasn’t traveling. He worked late hours with international clients so this was pretty routine. Since his brain biopsy, I had mostly been sleeping in an adjoining room so I did not disturb him, and he also had the bed positioned really high and I kept sliding down into a bed blob! But I could still see him and hear him during the night and it made things easier to keep an eye on him and still get a little sleep from the other room.
Since his surgery we were a little out of our routine, but on that Saturday night he came and kissed me good night, then sat on the edge of the bed and stayed. I do not remember what we talked about because at the time it was just typical conversation, but then it got quiet and he just kind of lingered for awhile. I was really tired and I know he was too, so after a little bit of silence I suggested he go to bed. I told him I knew he was tired and I was tired and maybe we could both get a good night’s sleep. I promised to check on him like always so he kissed me good night again, and went to bed.
The next morning I did check on David about 4am and he seemed fine. When I went back at 7am he was not. His last words to me were “I just want to sleep” and I never heard his voice again. He was gone by that evening.
That night before haunted me with so many what if and why didn’t I’s. I wanted to turn back time and make the right decision of staying up with him to hear what he wanted to tell me, or crawl back in our bed with him until he fell asleep. It made my mind crazy with all the things I couldn’t think of that he might have said. I cried and felt guilty and did not think I was worthy of such love because I was selfish and put myself first. It was a horrible time. I really beat myself up because my mind could not move past that missed moment. I thought I would never get over it.
About 14 months later, I attended a grief support group to work my way through all this stuff: sorrow, pain, guilt, fear, grief and hopefully learn to cope. I remember the guilt of that night was strong and I held it all in until we got to the section about…..yep!! GUILT. I got real quiet which was unusual for me in this group so my wonderful facilitator knew something wasn’t right. When she asked me about it I just lost it, 14 months of tears flooded out of me and I cried uncontrollably. This was very weird for me, I only cry when I am happy and rarely cry when I am sad. And I had no normal emotions, or so I thought. I was just holding this one in for too long.
I remember she took my hand and somehow I managed to tell the group about that night before David died. I couldn’t imagine what they were thinking about me now and how insensitive I was, so I cried harder. Then the facilitator said something that changed my life: “Knowing what you know now, if David came back what do you think he would say about that night?” The most amazing thing happened at this point. David’s words came to me without a second thought, like God whispered these words in my ear straight from David’s mouth. I told her he would say, “Babe, if I had known what you would be going through the next day losing me, I wouldn’t have bothered you and let you get your rest.” The tears started to dry up as I sat there in disbelief and peace. It was powerful.
I don’t think much about what he would have said anymore because it doesn’t matter. If you read my previous post about the miracle of Walker, I believe he might have wanted to share the message that everything was going to be alright but couldn’t. Maybe he wanted to tell my how much he loved me and thank me for the umpteenth time for taking care of him. Maybe, maybe, maybe, it really doesn’t matter anymore. I know what he would say now.
So on the topic of guilt. It is a very powerful emotion that will consume you and steal your joy. There are things to be guilty about and things that you just shouldn’t. And missed conversations with a deceased loved one are in the latter. But here is something else I was taught about guilt in grief: Guilt is an emotion that we have based on how we think someone else perceives our actions. If you think you have upset them or made them angry, it will trigger guilt. So in the situation of feeling guilty about things after the loss of a loved one, they are not upset or angry at you at all because these are emotions they no longer feel. Wow!! Very profound and life changing for me.
Is there something you are feeling guilty about? If so, think it through and decide if it is consuming you and stealing what little joy you might have found in your day. Or stealing all of your joy everyday. If so, I pray that you find release from guilt as I did. Because I know when I see David again his first words aren’t going to be “Babe, remember that night before I died? We need to talk about that!!” I have other thoughts about his first words if there are any at all. We might just smile and speak with our reunited hearts instead….
