Summer and Sixty
Yesterday was my 60th birthday, and even though I have no prior knowledge of what 60 is supposed to feel like, it’s not much different than the last day of 59! Same mindset, same routine, same aches and pains (maybe a few new ones) same everything except without David. The number 60 does not bother me in the least, but NOT turning 60 with David has set me back into my summer funk.
This was going to be a grand time for David and I since we would both be 60 a few weeks apart. We had plans to travel together, either Hawaii or Alaska. Whichever trip we did not take on our 10 yr anniversary was going to be our 60th birthday trip. I was going to retire…again! Lol This way I could travel with David more and spend time driving him crazy with my presence at home while he was trying to work. The house remodel might have been finished and we would have celebrated our birthdays quietly together, just like every other birthday together. It was a fool proof plan because it was simple and us. Or so I imagined…
Summers are hard enough for me, but the summer and sixtieth birthday combination has put me back to the place where I just want to be with David. Disclaimer: I am not suidical, wanting to be with David is more of a vision of joining him somewhere in the clouds or walking into his embrace. It is not a feeling of ending my life, just getting David back in mine.
Summer of Covid is when David was diagnosed and passed away a month later. Summer is the time I am off of work and supposed to relax and prepare for the next school year. Summer is a time to hang out with friends and family. Summer is supposed to be fun. Most of the time it is, but the time between July 7th and August 9th is tough. Death is not just about the day David died, it is the whole process that I relive: the details of his sickness, the chaos, the isolation, the death, the how did I miss the signs, the what am I supposed to do now, the panic about my new life, and on and on and on. The walls start to close in and I have a roller coaster of a time mentally. Even though I am not necessarily lonely, I miss David’s presence.
I know some of you are thinking that maybe I should just find something to stay busy, you know just “snap out of it.” I promise I pray, talk positive thoughts to myself out loud (and to the birds, and to the plants, and to the squirrels, and to the Robot vacuum cleaner) and start each day telling myself it is going to be a great day. I have traveled more than usual this summer, reconnected with family and friends, and tried new things. But my mind and my heart don’t always cooperate or get along. The constant power struggle between the two of them is like a game of tug of war with my head telling me to get on with my life and my heart telling me I’ve lost my mind! I don’t like this feeling and I know after August 9th it will get better, it did last year. But I need it to be better between these dates because that is when our birthdays are and the memories of the last ones together weren’t good.
So in one of my many ventures into books about grief I read some interesting things. The one that stuck with me is doing things I want to do that maybe David would not have done or been interested in. Now this was not easy because it feels like a betrayal to the life we built together. But in every marriage there is give and take and you give up a little bit of yourself to make your marriage successful and happy. For example, I gave up listening to country music because David would make puking motions. He gave up blaring Pantera or whatever other screaming unintelligible band he liked when I was home (when I wasn’t home the neighbors got a full concert version) because I told him if you can’t understand the words it isn’t music!! So we compromised on 70s rock most of the time. Another example is I am a social butterfly and David was more reserved. So he would accompany me to things he knew were important for me and he did his part to have a good time. In turn, I learned that he did not like being entered into hairy chest contests while cruising, dancing on the bar in Cozumel (or anywhere else), and overall calling attention to himself. So we compromised, when he was at social events with me I did not linger and talk for an extra hour or two, and I did all the dancing on the bar so he wouldn’t have to. This is how our marriage was so great…compromise!!
So my quest to do things on my own has been slow but rewarding and I am actually starting to enjoy my new life. I get teary eyed when I write this out loud but I also get a sense of inner pride at my progress. I listen to country music once in awhile, unless I feel myself getting depressed over the drunk guy in the bar drowning his sorrows or holding someone’s halo so they can make bad choices. Then I switch to 70s rock for a bit. I am also checking into cruises next summer with friends that will dance on the bar with me, and if not they will hold my halo while I make the poor choice to dance on the bar alone!! That is if the bartender is strong enough to hoist my 60 yr old body up there. Lol I have also gone to two concerts in two weeks, one David would have loved and the other he would have only gone because his buddies and myself were there. Baby steps until today…
Today I am having a birthday party! I haven't had a real birthday party since I was a kid and this is not something I would have pursued before. I have been talking about it for a year and almost backed out on many occasions, including today!! I had all these elaborate plans and all 1,000 of my Facebook friends would be there but it has been scaled down to the closest thirty or so. I was going to rent a place and spend too much money but instead we are going to a fun club and just enjoying ourselves. Decorations and fanfare will be minimal but it is a great compromise between my past life and my future. A social butterfly event with just enough people who love me to make it special. No more, no less but a great start.
So even though these last few weeks and the next few days are hard, Jesus has been sending me signs that everything will be okay and David is still on this journey with me, in my heart where he belongs. The one plant that I have from David’s memorial is blooming for the first time in three years, a cardinal has appeared everyday on my morning walks this week, and this morning while typing this message a hummingbird appeared at the feeder outside the window. The odd thing about that is there hasn’t been anything in that feeder since I moved here or longer! But I will add that to my list of things to do so the hummingbird keeps coming back. And the biggest sign is the inner peace knowing that God and I can do this together if I let go and allow it. I think I can make that compromise in my relationship with God as well…
