Witnessing a Miracle
In my previous post I mentioned this horrible week in July and the in between blessings. But one of these will turn into a miracle that even I sometimes cannot believe happened. It goes something like this:
Rewind to July 9th when we were on our way to Pre-Op and Sydney called. By this time the pain in David’s head and neck was significant so he rarely talked with the phone to his ear. Syd called his phone first and he did not answer so she called mine. Thinking it was great news about her doctor’s visit I put her on speaker phone so her dad could hear too. The hysteria in her voice and the sobbing is etched on my heart as she told us the news: our little Walker appeared to have a form of Skeletal Dysplasia and could not survive birth. I sat there frozen and her father sat there almost expressionless as we struggled to find the words for something like this. But there weren’t any and we did the best we could. We also had our granddaughter Kennadi in the car so we tried not to appear too upset for her sake, but our hearts were broken for Sydney and Odell.
I won’t go into great details about the next couple of months because it is not my story to tell, it is Walker’s and his parents. If you would like to read further about this please join “Walking with Walker” Facebook page as Sydney shares her ordeal and joy.
But it was at this point that we decided not to tell the kids (except Mandi since she already knew) as we felt it was best not to put more pain on them thus taking away from what Sydney needed. We were not expecting David to die so we felt it best to wait until a better time. That time did not come and in addition to losing their Dad, Sydney was also carrying a child she was told would not make it. Since we decided not to tell the kids we really couldn’t tell anyone else so they would not tell the kids. It was a hard time for all of us in different ways.
David died in August and Walker was due in November so the in between months were spent in that widow fog and trying to do what I could to help Syd, which didn’t seem like much. She was able to carry Walker to full term which, with his diagnosis at the time, meant a stillborn birth or holding him for a short time until he passed. The doctors were able to schedule her induction and in spite of Covid, family members were allowed to be there for support. I was included in this group and every ounce of my being did not think I could do this and wanted to back out. Some lame excuse so as not to experience death again so soon or face the fact I had no normal emotions and may not be able to cry. But I love my bonus daughter like she is my own so the mom in me did the best she could.
My prayers were very different at this time, I was angry at God. I know some people believe that you should not get angry at God but here is what I believe: He knows every hair on my head and every emotion I feel, so He knew either way. I felt it best if we just talked about it instead. I will admit it is not a good feeling being angry with Him and I did not get any peace over the prayers nor did it make me feel better. But I did end my prayer with this, one way or another I will find the good that is supposed to come from this. I don’t believe I prayed again for awhile, probably until that day he was born. I was that upset.
But on that day I prayed for His will to be done, His comfort over my sweet kids and grand baby, help for me get through this and that was probably it since it all still hurt so much. I remember sitting up there without David and that added to the pain, it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that David could not be there for his daughter, hold his grand baby for however long, share in my joy and pain. It really sucked is all I can say about that.
As most of you know Walker was not still born and we all got a turn to hold him. I remember it felt like if I could just hold him close to my heart I could protect him from what was to come. I wanted to run away so I would not have to watch at the same time I wanted to savor every moment of Walker’s short time on Earth. I remember talking to David and telling him I needed him now more than ever, and again with the “where are you?” “Please come back, I need you.” If you’ve been there, you know.
As I held Walker I noticed that he was covered in hair that was unnatural for a newborn. His back and arms were super hairy just like David. I used to tease David and tell people that he started shaving when he was five. He would tell me not to exaggerate, he was actually eight!! lol For a moment I smiled thinking that in at least one way Walker was like his grandfather, even if it was a hairy body. I felt like this was God’s way of telling me that David met his grandson. Maybe their souls were together in the three months between death and life and he was letting me know that he would take care of Walker when his time was done. But only part of that message was correct, I firmly believe David met his grandson before we did .
Several months later, we were told Walker was misdiagnosed and his form of Skeletal Dysplasia was not fatal. He is now a happy 2 1/2 year old with many medical issues but the joy he brings to everyone that knows him is what makes him special, not his diagnosis. Things would have been so different if they correctly diagnosed him back in July, but that was not how his story was supposed to go. Through Walker’s life, he has touched many people and helped many parents with children in similar situations.
5- So here it is, I do not believe that Walker was misdiagnosed. I believe a miracle happened. I believe a miracle happened because a sick man that loved his daughter more than life itself had a long conversation with God. Maybe it was on our way to Pre-op after we got the news, maybe it was the next day when we were told his cancer was back. Or maybe it was that night before he died when he had a peace about him I had never seen before. Or maybe it was when he came face to face with his Maker. No matter when, I believe there was a reason in the timing of David’s death and Walker’s birth. And I believe that sweet boy was covered in hair because God knew I would look at him and think: David.
You can believe what you want or call me crazy. If crazy gets me through life’s tragic events then crazy I will be. And I used to think that when I got to Heaven I would confirm my crazy thoughts. But as a Christian I know that when I see my Jesus I will stand in awe and probably silence. And when he puts my hand in David’s for all of eternity, nothing else is going to matter.
