Pathways and Prayers
Have I mentioned summer is super hard for me? If you have read some of my previous posts you probably picked up on that: summer is hard on me. This summer in particular…
Most teachers love having the entire summer off and I enjoy it to some extent. One thing I miss is traveling in the off season when it is cheaper and not near as HOT!! Lol I manage to get a lot of travel time during the summer and then I feel like I had no summer I also crave and require structure and in the summer there is NO structure to my life. I have great plans to do projects, sleep in until 6:00 and make the most of each day. But then I don’t, or better yet I don’t know where to start. So I decided it was okay to waste a day here or there and tomorrow will be better. Day after day after day.
I think this summer was so hard because I am at a very different place in my life. David was diagnosed and passed away the summer of 2020 so a lot of that is a blur. Summer of 2021 was busy with trying to finish the remodel on my house so I could get it sold. I ended up moving to an apartment because I couldn’t handle living in the chaos and I felt like I was suffocating in the current situation. So summer of 2022 was spent in a nice, organized and clean apartment and I wasn’t going to have a care in the world. Except I bought my daughter’s house and decided to remodel BEFORE I moved in so I didn’t have to live through that again. I was also helping my daughter with her wedding so it was a busy summer and then it was over.
But this summer I did not remodel, move, plan a wedding or have any real stress to thrive off of. During therapy, I sadly discovered that I do my best under stress and I don’t know how to relax. This summer I was going to relax, travel, and enjoy my new life in spite of myself. In reality I had too much time to think, too many thoughts of how I ended up at this point in my life, too many emotions of what was and what I wish still was, and just too much time. And it didn’t help that it was too hot to work outside or in the garage so I sat in the house way too much thinking and thinking and thinking. Until the walls started closing in on me and I felt like I couldn’t breathe again.
When this happened in 2021 I just moved! So I convinced myself that would solve all my problems, I’ll just move again. My current house is half the size of my other house and even smaller than my apartment was. So I started house hunting only to realize that if I sell now I have to pay capital gains and I am not a fan of excess tax paying! This took me back to the idea of adding a larger living room to my house. This would allow me to stay in my neighborhood, not have a house payment, and have more room. Yes, that’s it! I should remodel my house while I am living here so it can set me over the edge again so I’ll move. Wait, what?? Doesn’t make sense to you either? Welcome to the world between my ears! Where everything makes sense until I write it out loud…
Next I decided maybe I need a year round job again so I can take off when I want to, travel when I want to, and not have the stress of being a teacher. Or better yet, quit working full time and enjoy life. Great idea Ms. James!! . So basically I will leave a job I love to find a job I might love, OR quit a job I love to work part time so I can have MORE time to overthink about how the walls are closing in on me. And travel extensively on non-existent funds because I quit my full time job to travel! Or better yet, move to a bigger house with more space while I quit my job to travel but I won’t be able to afford since I would have a house payment, so instead I will sit in my bigger house while bigger walls close in on me. Why does it sound soooo much better when it is floating around in the skull of chaos and confusion. I think the widow fog just cleared some space for common sense. Sorry for the journey through the jello mirk…
One of the things I DO love about my house is being located near the walking trail by Bailey Lake. Most mornings this summer I would go for a walk while listening to self help Podcasts and/or praying. I get on the trail near the prairie dog habitats, walk through the trees, around the lake and back home. It is an approximately two mile walk with birds, flowers, turtles and lots of people. It is a great time to find peace and contentment in the mayhem my mind creates. A few weeks ago I went for a walk and started to pray HARD. I prayed for peace, guidance, answers, everything I could think of. The whole supreme pizza prayer minus the anchovies and black olives!! I prayed for clarity on moving, I prayed for guidance on yet another career change, and I prayed for what my focus should be for now. In other words, what did God want to deal with and what was I supposed to focus on? I prayed most fervently while walking through the trees because no one was on the trail at that point, so I was solely focused on praying. I could feel God’s presence and I started feeling a sense of peace, but no clarity or guidance message slapped me upside the head. Until I was on my way back…
I honestly don’t know how I missed it. I walked right by it and did not see it. I am used to walking through the trees and looking for cardinals but I rarely look down at the sidewalk so that is my excuse. Or maybe I wasn’t meant to see it until He was ready to reveal it to me. Either way, there it was and it stopped me in my tracks! Not the first time, I saw it and I couldn’t register how clear that message was. So I walked a little further, realized the impact of what just happened, and THEN I was stopped in my tracks. I just stood there in disbelief then I turned around and went back to make sure it was real. When I got back to that spot I just stared at the walkway, in the middle of trees and nothing else, at a message I believe was written in chalk just for me: Kinder 23-24
I teared up as I realized that is what I am supposed to be focused on right now at this very point in my life..Kindergarten. God revealed He is going to work through the house walls and the job and the travel and the heartache and the new life I have been given. And I have one thing to focus on, Kinder. And of course God and family. Which brings me to an interesting place that I arrive at so many times in my life: when I let God focus on things I cannot control I have time for what really matters: faith, family and Kinder!
I know you might be thinking I should have started with prayer and I wouldn’t have the crazies. Widow fog prevents a lot of rational thinking and there have been more after the fact prayers in the last three years than in my whole life. But He knows my heart and lives in the fog with me, holding me steady as I process and survive my thoughts.
So message received Lord, I am pouring into 14 little people that you have blessed me with. I still scroll through Realtor.com if you need my input and ask around about a career change, just in case You need my help. But overall, I am loving being with family and friends more and the fact You love me enough to carry my burden. And even crazier, everything with Kinder is falling into place and I am not spending my nights and weekends doing school work as in the past. But I guess You already know that, silly me! Thank you Lord for a clear path, though it may be winding and some days uphill, it always leads back to You.
