The Glass Wall
You can’t be gone
I can still feel your presence
Your whisper in my ear “I love you”
The kisses goodnight.
You can’t be gone
Because you promised you would never leave.
I can see you behind the glass wall
That is keeping you from returning to me
I cannot see the top of the wall
Or the bottom
And it goes on forever.
But I can see you on the other side
Trying to get back to where you belong.
I remember when I first saw you there
In the distance.
And then you saw me too,
And you came to the wall.
I put my hands on the glass and closed my eyes
Believing the love we have
Would fragment the one thing
Keeping you away.
Then you put your hands on the glass too
And closed your eyes
And I believed together
We could do anything.
All the happy memories
Came flooding back
All the smiles you put on my face
All the happy tears you made me cry
All the eternal love we will forever have
And the glass shattered
Into a million pieces
As I opened my eyes.
So hopeful that you would be there
But you weren’t.
Because the you I saw in the glass
Was a mere reflection of the you I keep in my heart,
Holding all of those beautiful memories
Of a love that transcends understanding.
There’s still days I think you will come home,
But not everyday.
There’s still days I want to just give up,
But not everyday.
There’s still days that are just too hard alone,
But not everyday
But everyday I know my heart is full
Of everything that was ours.
And though you can not come back
One day I will find you again.
I wrote this in bits and pieces over the last couple of years so it is not my best work but possibly the most heartfelt and hardest to write.
I can still see the wall and beyond. It is seriously so beautiful on the other side where David is at, I don’t know why he would even look for me. It is covered in tropical, colorful plants, beautiful green trees like you would see in a jungle and a light, misty fog at his feet. I am sure there are snakes because David was fascinated by snakes. However, this is my vision not his so no snakes are allowed within 100 ft of the glass wall. I can see his face, his hair just slightly below the collar, that five o’clock shadow that I loved so much. He is wearing his greenish shirt that is a paisley pattern, blue jeans and his Dockers. He has that look he always had like he was deep in thought about something. But it is his eyes that are different, it’s like they are longing for me. Wanting to come back and not being able to. Knowing I was hurting and there was nothing he could do. That’s how he was, he never wanted me to hurt. I even remember when he was first diagnosed with cancer in 2017. He debated on telling me, he said he could not stand to see that much pain on my face. Even when his cancer came back, he thought about my pain more than his. I think that is the look on his face now, deep in thought on how he is going to tell me he’s not coming back. I don’t blame him for not wanting to…
But sometimes the heart speaks louder than the head and the selfish side of me just wants him here. I can remember feeling that David wasn’t permanently gone and I would whisper “Where are you?” “Why haven’t you come home yet?” “I can’t do this alone.” Especially when I had to make decisions that he would normally make. Or I had to do things I didn’t believe I could do. Or just waking up without him when I thought he was there. Or having something exciting to tell him and realizing I can’t. Or…well every aspect of my life.
Even now as I am settling into the new life I remind myself there was never that happily ever after that I envisioned. God’s plan was shorter than mine but still, what a great plan it was. It filled my heart with a love greater than I deserve, greater than I could ever believe would happen to someone like me. And I know David fulfilled His plan and he is where he is meant to be. But even knowing all of that, if you asked me today if I still want him back I will hesitate when I answer. Because deep, deep down I think I always will.
