Hallmark Movies and Honestly Ever After
Nothing prepares us for losing our spouse or really anyone we love. We might have thought about that day and what we would say and do, or how we would act. But that is usually not how it happens, nothing like the Lifetime channel and Hallmark movies. There everything is perfectly timed, important conversations are had, telling the loved one it is okay to go while holding his or her hand as the time draws near, and quietly surviving the days ahead. Good luck with that!
In my vision of our Hallmark movie, David and I are approximately 90 years old. We have had a good life but both of us are weary and ready to go. We are holding hands and I have my head on his shoulder. We close our eyes and I don’t know who goes first, but we go at some point together. And we open our eyes in Heaven with no time or space separating us. Sigh...it is obvious now that I was meant to write Random Widowish Thoughts and not Hallmark movies. So much for the perfect timing aspect of our story.
On to the important conversations part of our Hallmark movie. David and I had some important conversations but they were usually on the fly or me talking like crazy while he typed on his computer. The only way I knew he was half listening is because he would comment while still typing…lol We were young and there was never a need to have a serious conversation about the future without each other. That wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. I remember one conversation but I don’t remember how the conversation started. I told him if anything ever happened to him I could not take care of our house by myself and would probably sell. I rattled on about mowing an acre, the millions of leaves in the Fall, all the crap in his shop, the pool maintenance, keeping that big house clean, etc etc etc (yes I can talk up to three etc’s). I thought he would look at me lovingly (like in Hallmark movies) and say, “Babe, let’s don’t worry about that stuff now. We have a long time before that happens.” Instead he stopped typing long enough to say, “The longevity in my family is WAY better than yours so you probably won’t have to worry about anything since I will outlive you.” What?? If you knew David, he was to the point, matter of fact, a dry sense of humor personality. So not only did his response NOT surprise me, it was somewhat of a relief that I was going first! Problem solved.
Of course that is not how it happened but I find some peace in that. As much as I hurt and the pain of each day, I can’t imagine putting David through losing me. I watched that man shed tears over my pain in life, and I watched him cry when he thought my life was in danger. I don’t know how he would have handled my death. So I am somewhat thankful he went first, it spared him a fate worse than death. However, he went so unexpectedly fast that we never had the main important conversation that is a requirement in every Hallmark movie. What am I supposed to do with my life when he is gone? Several of my widow(er) friends had that talk and know how their spouse felt but I will never know for sure. I can only imagine what David would have said, but I know it would have included “be happy.” I am working on it and I think he would be proud.
So this brings us to the part of our movie where I am telling David it is okay to go while holding his hand and assuring him I would be fine. I had two opportunities for this to happen, one when we were alone, shortly after I brought him to the emergency room and the second when we let him go. The first chance was right after the non-people person doctor had chastised me for our lack of preparation and left to go get the other personnel. We were alone and I took his hand and held it tight. I laid my head on the bed as close as possible so he could hear me. And I half whispered, “Please don’t leave me, please don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you. I need you here, I can’t do this. Please don’t leave me, I promise to take care of you no matter what. Please don’t leave me.” Yep, not how the movie was supposed to go but my heart was breaking and he was the only one that could fix it. I needed him to do that now.
The second chance I had was right before he passed. By this time I had peace about our fate and letting him go, but I still could not get the words out that it was okay and I would be alright. I think after the last conversation we both knew I would not be alright so no use lying about it. Instead I chose to be quiet and laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes willing it to be over. I held on tight trying to hopefully go with him like I had always imagined it would be. Like maybe if I held on tight enough we would become one heart again and not a million pieces of mine. But that didn’t happen either and as he took his last breath the fight went out of me, I couldn’t make him stay and I couldn’t go with him no matter what I said or did.
I remember opening my eyes when I knew he was gone and the first thing I saw was his left hand with his wedding ring on it. I remember just staring at it with no particular thoughts going through my head. Just staring at the symbol of the life we built and lost. The nurse had previously told me that at some point we would have to take the ring off his hand but I could not bring myself to do it. The thought of removing it from his finger felt like such a betrayal and it made my stomach sick at the permanency of that moment. So I left it on there and eventually went home. Someone was going to take it off but it wasn’t going to be me. I know I risked having it stolen but I felt in that moment God would take care of the ring and He did. I went back to the hospital the next day to retrieve it and put it on my left thumb where it still is today. Maybe our Hallmark movie was completely off script as far as societal expectations but right on point being full of love.
Am I proud of begging David not to leave me? I can honestly say I am not, and for the longest time I was embarrassed to admit that’s what happened. But real life and real death are not Hallmark movies with scripted lines, fake emotions and a happy ending. Life and death both produce emotions you never knew you had and no script to tell you what is “acceptable” and how to feel. And I wouldn’t have gone by the script anyway, I honestly did not want him to leave me. I really did not want to let him go and I am still not that happy about it. There, it is out. I am finally allowing myself to be human.
So don’t spend your life comparing it to a happily ever after movie. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel and how to act. Don’t think you loved any less because you did not give your loved one permission to go. Don’t feel like you have to get on with your life before you’re ready and don’t feel like you can’t get on with your life because your loved one did not have the chance to give you permission. Don’t compare your story to mine or anyone else’s. We are all surviving the worst pain of our lives the best we can, and God knows our hearts and our hurts. My story is mine and your story is yours, but the good news is our stories have met so hopefully we can share the next chapter together 🙂
